- 6:00 am — Peace-filled, committed, serene, accepting, spiritually grounded.
- 9:00 am — Engaged in the day intellectually.
- Noon — Less engaged spiritually and more easily swayed by internal conversation.
- 3:00 pm — Giving “options” free time in my head.
- 6:00 pm — Fully accepting my excuse for not getting a task accomplished.
- 9:00 pm — Resolve to do better tomorrow after a good night’s rest.
- Repeat daily — For as long as it takes for me to learn the lesson.
At a conscious level I am aware that at a subconscious level this is the way I have myself programmed—thus far. I know from personal experience that any subconscious pattern I wish to change will require an abundance of discipline on my part. But today, this week actually, I just feel like I’ve had enough.
I want to ask the Universe if we can take a day off. Can the Universe hang out somewhere else? Find someone else to evolve today? Maybe give them some of my “growth” opportunities which I seem to possess in surplus? Regardless of my rant here, I know that what is happening is “what is.” I absolutely have never liked that redundant phrase, “It is what it is.” And yet I found a moment of solace in understanding that I need understand nothing at this exact moment. Nothing in my past really matters, only who I am today and how I behave today.
It’s so strange that this brings me comfort. It’s a small flash of peace within. Despite the fact that part of me wants to massacre me for not getting it ALL done. I have had moments where it has been okay. Even typing this, my subconscious is trying to convince me I’m a screw up. I should have completed more today. Then I let that sweet memory in to remind me I can change nothing from a moment ago. Not a minute ago or five hours ago. The time is gone and more time will be wasted obsessing over what was not accomplished.
Maybe the lesson I was to learn today was to be okay with me. Some days my best is a ten. Some days my best is a two. Today was a three. But it was the best three I could do.
In my heart I know I’ll never stop growing. I don’t want to. I like me better growing. The real sadness is to give up hope that I can never accomplish what I set my mind on completing.
My primary purpose is to bring love. I did that today to the best of my ability. I am far from the girl I used to be and that is good (very good). I have lived many incredible moments that have me sitting here typing. I have a great life. Even on a day that ranks at a three.
I fall asleep tonight feeling successful today.
Thank you Universe for the gift of sobriety.
A gift I sought, welcomed, and graciously received.