Crossroads in (later) recovery

19 May 2013

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chocolate chip cookiesThis post finds me at a crossroad.

I want to talk about recovery … the sober life … But I feel like a hypocrite.

So in the spirit of authenticity I will talk today about the personal hurdles I am facing these next weeks. Without detail I am having health issues. I start a 28-day detox this Tuesday. Not an alcohol detox, but a body (aka colon) detox.

I am scared, pissed, irritated, angry, and confused.

I’ve spent the week pondering:

  • “Why me?”
  • “Maybe there’s another way?”
  • “I’ll do anything but this.”
  • “What if …?”

I just want to back out of the whole thing. I want to wake up and believe it’s all a bad dream. Problem is … I’m not waking up. So I carry around these feelings that I’d rather not have, question things that needn’t be questioned, and escape with television.

With the exception of a brief moment at the market, the thought of drinking has not been an issue. Thursday night I passed my ex-favorite chardonnay in the grocery aisle and the little bear on the label said, “Hi.” Continue reading »

Mother’s Day Lies

12 May 2013

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~ Circa 1987 ~

~ Circa 1987 ~

A day to pay tribute to your mom. As a woman who (finally) works at living a spirit-filled and principled life, I am struck by the irony of who I was as a daughter. My sweet mom had her work cut out for her. It seemed all fine at the time, growing pains and such, but when I look back through (sober) parental eyes I am stunned at my behavior.

As a young child my motives were self-seeking for far too long. As number five of six children I seemed to always be waiting for mine. “When is mine coming?” was a big theme with me. I learned at an early age that it wasn’t coming—never. I got what was left over. I got what I took. I got less than in a world that I felt* didn’t care. (*Note: This felt is not based upon fact.)

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that others were getting so much. It’s that I perceived I wasn’t getting my share. It’s that I learned (aka programmed) myself to covet, manipulate, and con others to get what I perceived would make me happy. It was always about what I was getting and never about what I was giving. Continue reading »

Obstacles meant STOP

5 May 2013

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mazeThe OGEL group started working on the 5-Key Competencies this month. Like many, it takes more than one go through for me to really embody new principles. I grew up believing that memorizing the information was good enough. But once the test was finished the information moved to the deleted file.

Through my recovery I’ve learned that “forgetting” information was/is one of my coping tools. Seems I tossed many of the good, along with the not-so-good, memories in my effort to stay safe and have some control over my world. I use “forgetting” as an excuse.

In working at becoming competent I have unearthed my resistance to change—even when I know it is for the best. Conveniently forgetting has kept me incompetent. Even though I memorize the right thing to do, talk about the right thing to do, praise the right thing to do, find and share images about the right thing to do, I undeniably resist many moments of stepping in and doing the right thing. (And by right I mean loving.) Continue reading »

Not drinking is not the final solution

28 April 2013

20 Comments

key is to work on meLet’s say, for conversation, that we actually found the “magic key” to controlling our drinking. Its magic actually stops the craving—today. What would this actually mean for addicts?

There are at least two obvious answers and myriad more, but for conversation let’s stick to the obvious.

Scenario I:
We arrive at the party at 8:00 in the evening. We slowly sip our drink. We are pleased with the minimal effects of the alcohol. We then proceed to have a second drink around 9:00 but realize we are getting a little tipsy so we decide to put it down and switch to water. We have an incredible evening filled with laughter, stimulating conversation, and dancing. We are incredibly kind to our host and the other guests. We are helpful, thoughtful, and appropriate in our interaction. We go home and get a good night’s sleep, wake up refreshed and ready for an early morning at the gym, a healthy breakfast, and then off for a day of productivity. Continue reading »

Every addict’s last choice

21 April 2013

15 Comments

living soberI feel compassion for those who struggle with alcohol—any addiction really. It is a stifling mindset. Addiction is lonely and truly unforgiving. The peak of addiction is an especially painful chapter in life.

When we are near the end of our “drinking chapter” it seems overly agonizing because we begin to see we have no control once we begin to seriously entertain the idea that we can drink—normally. Unless we have the working tools to stop and redirect our thinking we inevitably end up drinking.

The drink is the effect, not the cause. Continue reading »